Today I can't say I work up feeling better just not as dark as yesterday. Today is my 1 Year Marriage Anniversary. I'm happy but the darkness is making it feel like any other day. Sometimes I wonder if I was never in a committed relationship would I be happier but I doubt it. Whenever I seem to lose my sense of self I feel like that 14 year old girl cutting her arms with the knife she would hide under the bed in the guest room all over again. The feeling of walking down that path again scares the crap out of me. This morning I did my devotional and immediately knew God was giving me sign to not give up. First thing in getting out of this depression hole is to get a job and make money so that I can feel I'm making a contribution to our family and to get my mental independence back. Haven't been eating and will probably lose more weight cause my appetite isn't there anymore. Eating has become a chore like cleaning toilets. You only do it when you have too. The husband and I are in the process of buying a home and I'm at the point of throwing the towl in. Of course I would never tell him that cause he'll just view me as giving up on another task that frustrates me and putting all the work on him. Gonna trudge through the process and hopefully come out on the other side intact mentally. So today is definitely better than yesterday. Each day that I'm closer to staying true and honest with myself is a day I'm closer to overall happiness.

♥ 12:09 PM



When I started this blog back in 2007 it was a place for me to vent and continue finding myself as a woman and a young adult. I will be 30 in a month and I thought  I would continue to have the sense of myself that this blog and changes in my life that occurred around that time would last....but it didn't. I've found myself in a larger hole of depression that I have EVER felt and I'm scared. Of course there are people around me that are encouraging me to pursue my dreams and aspirations and totally support me but I feel that I have lost myself entirely.  I was retreading some of my past posts and found comfort in the place I was once in and how I was able  for the first time in my life to solely focus on my happiness. This time it seems like such a far away place that the path has been made even more complicated.  I no longer am able to focus entirely on my well being  because of circumstances that have forced me focus on others which isn't wrong just really hard for myself. I am being the best daughter, sister and wife that I know that I can be but feel that each day I'm losing my independence  and sense of self that I fought so hard to gain. And it's not a physical independence but a mental one. The ability to believe in myself and have full awareness in the decisions and choices I make. Hopefully writing my feelings out will once again help me to find my voice and place in this world cause right now it's a daily fight to remain here. I don't farewell with other people's emotions and feelings cause I can't even acknowledge my own without feeling like a failure in some way. Feelings that I push aside once again to avoid any type of conflict with others and feelings that could make someone else feel bad. This is the start of my journey once again to happiness and knowing exactly who I am. God has been ever present through these difficult moments in my life and I am sure he will show up and show out to save me once more.

♥ 7:58 PM